Well, as the month of August wears on endlessly like a Yoko Ono CD, I am left to contemplate the changing of the seasons. "Seasons," you say? Yes. "You have seasons in Minnesota?" Well, there is the old joke that goes around, about Minnesota having 2 seasons: winter and highway construction. (Guffaw guffaw, yuk yuk.) While we are on the state-themed humor, what's the best way to look at Iowa? Answer: in a rearview mirror. (More chuckles from the gallery.) Anyhoo, yes we do indeed have four distinct seasons here, my favorites being spring and autumn. Reason being, it gets to be too damn hot during late July and early August, and I am sick of having 4 feet of snow by the time my birthday in February rolls around. Spring is extra cool, because it symbolizes a rebirth of sorts on this great planet of ours, and allows people afflicted with seasonal-affective disorder such as myself a chance to break out from our dreary suicidal moods to rejoin society. And I have always loved fall because it gives the air that certain aroma as the days become shorter and cooler and the trees turn so many different colors it's like God took a bunch of paint buckets and splashed them all over the leaves. ("Where's the gripe??" Hold on, it's coming.) I believe these seasons were created for the sole purpose of tricking me into thinking that winter and summer are worthwhile. So, here sre some "pros" and "cons" of winter and summer:

Pro	Con
Winter ain't hot!	True, but winter is also more fickle than a preteen. You could be basking in 30-degree quasi-sunshine one minute, and the next in the downturn of a -20 degree cold spell that makes your refrigerator feel like Cancun.
You can get a tan from the summer sun.	Theoretically. As Homer Simpson once said, in theory Communism works. In actuality I an quite possibly the whitest individual around, a guy that could go to the UK and hear "Damn, you are one pale sonofabitch!"
Summer exposes female navels, some pierced.	They usually belong to girls who are with other guys. Plus extensive fingering of the belly ring will piss a lot of girls off.
Winter = Christmas	I'm not even going near that one.... Oh okay. Christmas is commercialized. I like giving things to people but I don't need Nordstrom's breathing down my neck with how many shopping hours I have left.
Snow covers up all the crap on the streets.	It also covers up any plant life or semblance of joy. And it covers up my spirit. (cough cough)
Bathing suits on girls!	Swimmer's itch on me! (Or in the case of outdoor public pools, some little kids' feces)
You can drive your car with the top down in summer.	Um, the top of my car doesn't go down.
Summer ain't cold!	Instead summer is filled with family trips, working on the sunniest days, and wishing that you could tan just a little bit.
No TV reruns in the winter.	I could watch the reruns in summer, not like I would want to because most network TV is crap right now.
You have to buy new clothes for winter and summer.	Hmm.... No con there.
The days get shorter in winter.	What the hell is the point of that? The length of days should be uniform, like 6:00 am to 7:30 or 8 pm would be perfect. It would be great if I could pick out my own hours like that jackass sun.

Well, that's it. Sorry this is so lame, but I am still in vacation mode (ie: still extra-lazy). I will try to do better next week.

Labels: GOTW